Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

🤣🤣🤣

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.