Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

money maker

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I’m not stressed

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Most fashion shows these days…

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

My beach vacation Google searches

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food