Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

ㅤ

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

Midwest trash talk

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Miscakes

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are