Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do