You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
🖤✌🏽
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.