Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN