you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I bet
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.