You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops