You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
What if all the cashiers are married?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.