You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
When your diet is finally over.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.