You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“you changed” bro i was 15
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas