Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

me, after any kind of buffet.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.