Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

me adding lol on a serious message

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

At least my masseuse has my back.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog