Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

love it when they get my name right

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.