Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”