Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes