You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?