Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@curiouswavefn

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

@LizHackett

Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.

@JaneBadall

My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.

@Kelly_skeleton

The best way to get over someone is probably with your car

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@uccjeb

When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

@isabelzawtun

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned