@sixfootcandy

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

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@StevenAmiri

Keep “Christ in “Christopher Lloyd” because without it, he’d be “Opher Lloyd” and that sounds like “overlord.” Huh? I’ll have a Sprite.

@SlipCarefully

To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.

@djdarrellripley

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

@bidenandobama

Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?

@Donnie_Fairburn

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

@mjs03093641

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

@Trillburne

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

@iamkevinito

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

@maxlavergne

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree