You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!