Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”