Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about