You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.