Never ghost your hitman.
You Might Also Like
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When your man makes a valid point
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.