Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

imagine getting destroyed like this

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Me irl

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Mornin

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]