You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
huge if true: the moon
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.