You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon