You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
when unicorns get really drunk
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Ah yes. The three genders
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself