You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
You Might Also Like
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My biological clock is wheezing.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.