You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends