You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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Erm I’m gonna say no
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
No laws when master is gone
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.