You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale