You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
You Might Also Like
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’