Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

🙏🏾

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.