Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Good morning

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Somebody stole my co worker money so I asked how much she said $100 but then I went in the bathroom and counted it shit was only $53

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels