You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Cake!!
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.