You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.