You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

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Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”


It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car


I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.


Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.


LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.


They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.


The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.