You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton