You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m not wrong
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.