Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

When you kidnap a writer.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

my dog when i have a friend over

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.