You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Worth the read.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick