Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

Breaking news:

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.