Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.