You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You Might Also Like
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist