You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You Might Also Like
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I was up all night reading about insomnia
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
this is how life feels
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera