You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Bringing home a sharpie
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank