You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.