You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Mountain Goat : )
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir