You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You Might Also Like
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
kevin is now a local weatherman
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Ain’t no way
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Mountain Goat : )
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?