Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

i can’t work under these festive conditions

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

584.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

ah yes….my favourite videogame

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!