You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
This is hilarious
