Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Worst Native American name ever.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Good Morning.