Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

There is no “we” in pizza

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

“I FIXED IT!”

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

Solving a traffic jam

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?