You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Lmao 😁
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
hackers play passwordle
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
😂💯
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.