You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”