You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
🙁
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.