Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.