Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just stopped by to water my horse.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

me doing my best

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

cat vs inanimate object

That’s a good costume, I hope.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.