You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.