You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
You Might Also Like
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Respect
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”