You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.