Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Have a lovely day 😊

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe