Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
You Might Also Like
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel