You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub