You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing