Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

I love twitter

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.