You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
just witnessed a drug deal
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
🙂🐾
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like