Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer