You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza