You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea