You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me checking my bank balance online.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
#dnd #ttrpg
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!