You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury


“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.


I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁


I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.


“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”

Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.


Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?


Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome


[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks


My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”


This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.