You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”