@Parkerlawyer

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

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@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@crazytraci72

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

@Shock_Monster

I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁

@AndyAsAdjective

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

@corinnemlwsw

“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”

Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.

@murrman5

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@amydillon

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

@dmc1138

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.